Fitting Identities

As I play around sl and get to know people, I've begun paying attention to the development of avatar look and identity. From my own experience, I know that one can trace an evolution of my avatar from the default sl avatar I was given, through a series of concepts and approximations, before I finally figured out which one was "me."

For the uninitiated, "designing" your avatar means constructing a person out of several parts: a "shape" (which is your 3D body measurements, without any coloring), a "skin" (which is the coloring that wraps over your shape and makes it visible), hairstyles, clothes,and accessories (such as purses, jewelry, and tattoos). This process sounds like a superficial one, simply a matter of deciding how you are going to look. But for me, and several avvies that I know, it is much more than than choosing what shoes you are going to put on in the morning.

The look of your avatar shapes your very identity, and not just in-world.

This process plays out in many different ways. Attractive female avatars get hit on, for example. A gothic lolita not only looks like a sexy, pallid vamp, but she tends to get treated as one. So other people interpret you (and hence the way you play, your hobbies, the ways you want to interact) based on your appearance. Then they act on those interpretations, and you become that which you dressed up as.

IMAGE: An older avvie of Allecto that looks cool but just isn't me.


But it's deeper than that. I noticed as I evolved through avatars and outfits, my own behavior changed. My goth avatar is more shy and introverted than my California girl avatar. I did not design them that way. But when I put myself out there as one of these women, for whatever reason, a part of me becomes them.

So when I decided to try out an Asian avatar, which not coincidentally reflects my rl heritage, my behavior changed radically--and permanently. In my early weeks of sl, I looked nothing like myself in rl, and yet I played more or less as myself. As my looks became more outrageous, so did my behavior (this marks the time I lost my cybervirginity to total stranger with whom afterwards I was too shy even to accept his friendship card). As I finally came back to a physical reflection that contained an important element of my rl self--my gender and race, albeit idealized--a transformation occurred in which my rl identity and self suddenly came through a second time, not as the naive newbie, but in the sense that I had found a way to fuse my virtual and rl identities in a thoroughly satisfying and authentic way.

In that moment, I went from sl player to sl resident.

This fusion is profound, in the sense that I am living a lie--a hot babe wandering in the sl universe--and yet I am incredibly truthful to my online friends about who I am, what makes me "me." It is a form of sincere truthfulness and intimacy that takes place behind the opaquely colored glass of the computer screen.

And strange things were born of this new fusion. One of them was the emergence of a new cybersexuality, one which is more brave and adventurous than I am in rl, and yet one which somehow also reflects my real sexuality. That my cybersexuality is leading me to new places is exciting and also scary, such as the realm of D/s (Dominance and submission) relationships. Initially, I was curious about the imagery. Then I went to some of the places in sl that practice this form of sexuality--Gor, Perilous Pleasures, etc.--and read about it. Then I started to fantasize about it. Then I got involved in the community, at least a little bit. Now I am freaked out! Where am I going with this? Will it change my rl sexuality? Will it affect my relationship with my b/f?

Am I playing Second Life? Or is sl as much a part of rl as Halloween, weddings, vacations, and holiday dinners, that is, any other occasion in which we dress up and play our real selves in front of people we love?

I don't think I'll ask my Mom about how I should deal with my D/s longings....