Twilight Girl

This blog has been quiet of late. There is little to report, hence the silence. My Mistress's absence continues (actually She tells me She is online often, so I guess we're just missing each other). In the past three or four weeks, we have spent about one hour together. My emotional rollercoastering is past: fear, anger, hurt, blame, self-recriminations have all been replaced by a serene numbness that doesn't really hurt, but which isn't good.

Before I had a Mistress, my virtual life was fun and diverse. I was seeking some steady companionship to be sure, but I was content tagging along with various friends, meeting new people, going to new places, having new experiences. Since our courtship and my collaring, I became (appropriately, I believe) focused on Her. For weeks, I experienced the world with--and through--Her. It was a happy and fulfilling time for me. (Did I focus too much on Her and inadvertently push Her away? I hope not.)

But with the two of us pretty much disconnected of late, I've found myself in an awkward spot. With Her unavailable to me, I cannot see the world with and through Her. This leaves me with several possible options:

• I can stay offline
• I can log in, go to Her space, and wait/mope by myself
• I can log in and return to my life before as much as possible
• I can log in and do something "useful," such as learn to build or script, go to a library and study more on how to be a good submissive, etc.

I have not really settled on any of these options, and have actually done a little of each. All are vaguely unsatisfying, since they underlie a basic lack of purpose, hence my notion of "twilight identity." In my everyday activities, I am neither Hers nor not-Hers; regularly online or off; a tagalong socialite or a budding contributor to SL. Some people, sensing my new freedom and availability are starting to hit on me. But they will not get anywhere with that: I belong to my Mistress and that is not about to change (unless She releases me, of course, which I hope She doesn't do). My loyalty runs a lot deeper than a couple unhappy weeks!

I can honestly say that sitting around moping is not a lot of fun, but of the four options listed above, it is surprisingly the most common option for me to do. Sitting in a tower (submissive) position in an empty space waiting for someone to log on who doesn't (and whom you don't expect to) seems like a ridiculous way to spend time in a virtual world as rich as Second Life; you become a piece of furniture, a disused toy, waiting for someone to use you. This is not the best person to be, and yet it is true to how I feel, which I guess is why I do it. (And for what it's worth, I do IM friends from that position.)

An avatar is already a strange mix of in-world persona and real-life person. As we form relationships online, we perform our roles but we also develop and experience real emotions. Online, we are always twilight people. When you add the present disorientation I am experiencing to that, I am even more so a twilight girl.

A citizen of the sunset, I follow the Evening Star while the silent Earth spins beneath me.