The Guilty Abandoned

She felt as though she were a statue of ashes--bitter, useless, damned--like the salt statues of Gomorrah. For she was guilty. Those who love God, and by him are abandoned in the dark of the night, are guilty, because they are abandoned. They cast back into their memories, searching for their sins.

--Pauline Reage, The Story of O

The quote from The Story of O typifies how you feel when deprived of contact with your Master or Mistress. The isolation is hard to bear, and your imagination takes over and you start to wonder what you did to cause it. Of course, often you have nothing to do with it in reality, so you are just swimming in your own paranoia. So it is this state, where your own mind tortures you with relationship chimera, that is most dangerous to subs. It is dangerous because it is an unhappy place to be, and also because it makes you more needy when you finally get to see your Master or Mistress again (running the risk that you will frustrate Him or Her with your neediness).

Understanding this state in turn helps explain what what one does (as opposed to merely thinks) during the twilight girl times. Visually, it looks something like the following, with me kneeling before Her image or Her empty chair:



But what is going on while I'm in that pose? A couple days ago, I had three "accomplishments" from that position.

1. I IMed but declined to visit some friends. I had a bad connection, so that was a part of the motivation for not going out to be with them.
2. I watched a photo album wall hanging in Her studio and fretted that the number of pictures with me in them may have decreased as a percentage over the past month or so. Note that the images are randomly displayed and in reality I think all that happened was the script didn't show any pictures of me for a few minutes. In other words, I was just being paranoid.
3. I hunted through my calling cards list and friends list to see if any of my friends deleted me. This would be a paranoid activity, except in fact one of them had deleted me, someone whom I really like and respect. I IMmed her, and she told me that her master had asked her to remove all friendship cards that he didn't know about. In other words, it had nothing to do with me, per se, or at least that's what she claims.

OK, so this all probably sounds pretty dark and maybe a little pathetic. But let me clarify some things. I write this not because I am depressed and miserable in RL (probably I am both of those things, but not because my Mistress and I have been on different clocks for much of the past month). It is not my desire to complain or blame anyone. I write entries like this because I am surprised by my own behavior, surprised that in Her absence, I do things like act out the twilight girl routine. My purpose here is to describe my internal state, no matter how divorced from any reasonable reality it is, rather than to describe objectively what is going on.