Resubmission
Lately, my blog entries have focused on fear. My fear. My fear of overstepping my boundaries. My fear of losing my Mistress' favor, that She might rather be with her talented and glamorous friends, instead of tagalong me. My fear of abandonment and neglect. I talked about these fears somewhat obliquely on this blog, perhaps not really acknowledging even to myself how stressed I actually was.
The other night, my Mistress and I had a very nice chat about these blog entries, and eventually we managed to get to the real basis of my concerns: my insecurities about whether She is tiring of me and my tendency to try to read between the lines.
I will confess an example. A few nights earlier I had logged on, and after 10 minutes of pleasant conversation, She had asked whether I might like to go hang out with another friend of hers, C. (C. is very nice, and I like her, so this was a very reasonable suggestion.) But as we teleported, I actually wondered if maybe She had found me boring and wanted to go hang out with Her friend because She found C. more interesting. I know--and I knew then!--that this thought was unreasonable and uncharitable. But I had it anyway, and it ate at me the entire time we were with C. My Mistress' coincidental preoccupation with something in RL made her slower to reply than usual, which seemed only to confirm my anxieties.
Back to our conversation the other night. My Mistress pointed out the following to me: by definition of our relationship, I put myself in Her hands. If She has a problem with me (finds me irritating or boring), She will tell me. In fact, as my Mistress, it is Her job to do so and She has implicitly (now explicitly, thanks to my carrying on) agreed to do it. Therefore, if She isn't correcting my behavior, She doesn't have a problem with it. Likewise, on those occasions when I actually behave, she rewards me with a hug or a stroke of the hair.
Moreover, the fact that I was obsessing about these insecurities is itself a manifestation of mistrust (and in a way, insubordinance) on my part! If I trust that She will take care of me and correct me when appropriate, then I never need to be insecure. I agree that this is logically true.
Still, it is a habit for me to fret about whether my friends find me tiresome, and I cannot separate my Mistress from my friends! This is something I will have to work on.
The other night, my Mistress and I had a very nice chat about these blog entries, and eventually we managed to get to the real basis of my concerns: my insecurities about whether She is tiring of me and my tendency to try to read between the lines.
I will confess an example. A few nights earlier I had logged on, and after 10 minutes of pleasant conversation, She had asked whether I might like to go hang out with another friend of hers, C. (C. is very nice, and I like her, so this was a very reasonable suggestion.) But as we teleported, I actually wondered if maybe She had found me boring and wanted to go hang out with Her friend because She found C. more interesting. I know--and I knew then!--that this thought was unreasonable and uncharitable. But I had it anyway, and it ate at me the entire time we were with C. My Mistress' coincidental preoccupation with something in RL made her slower to reply than usual, which seemed only to confirm my anxieties.
Back to our conversation the other night. My Mistress pointed out the following to me: by definition of our relationship, I put myself in Her hands. If She has a problem with me (finds me irritating or boring), She will tell me. In fact, as my Mistress, it is Her job to do so and She has implicitly (now explicitly, thanks to my carrying on) agreed to do it. Therefore, if She isn't correcting my behavior, She doesn't have a problem with it. Likewise, on those occasions when I actually behave, she rewards me with a hug or a stroke of the hair.
Moreover, the fact that I was obsessing about these insecurities is itself a manifestation of mistrust (and in a way, insubordinance) on my part! If I trust that She will take care of me and correct me when appropriate, then I never need to be insecure. I agree that this is logically true.
Still, it is a habit for me to fret about whether my friends find me tiresome, and I cannot separate my Mistress from my friends! This is something I will have to work on.
posted by Allecto Brissot at 5:20 PM
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